louise mckenzie records

i was afraid to put pen to paper

for a while there

i had a fresh notebook

set in front of me

virgin

and a clean high quality pen

totally misplaced

in my shitty grip

that by the way

my elementary teachers tried to correct for years

these tools were a gift

from my lover

obviously

in reality

my poetic drafts belong

on bar napkins

etched with the dignity granted by

a stolen and slightly chewed bic ballpoint

that you have to lick a few times to

start the juice flowing again

i toss around my belongings

and myself

lets be real

tools of creation

are blunt force objects

in my shitty grip

i drag my notebooks

through rings of condensation

on sticky bar tops

and rip out pages

when I feel like it

sometimes even just half the page

still

my lover

fully aware of my reckless nature

placed this dainty little thing

in my lap

he said to me

go ahead kid

break the spine

dull the pen tip

leave your sticky fingerprints

scribble

i thought

how dramatic

to hand someone

a beautiful thing

to use

wanting it

to return changed

permanently

i loosened my shitty grip

and for once

within the confines

of this mind

and this body

that craves men

i felt the freedom

to risk love